We wake up together. „Mornin´“, you mumble. “Sleep well?”
I just nod. It´s not like you´re waiting for an answer. You´re already out of bed, taking your shorts off as you walk past the bed and into the en suite bathroom. I can see your white backside and the little scar on your lower left hip. Years ago, when we were still in love, you told me that you got it as a child. You were playing with your cousins in the old barn on your grandma´s farm and you fell off a ladder and injured yourself on a rusty nail. Now all that´s left of that is that scar and the skin there is always lighter than the rest of your skin. Even if you´re tanned. But then again, you don´t tan naked. You always keep your shorts on. So your backside is always pretty white. I used to tease you about that and we laughed about it. Now it´s just bugging me. We have a roof terrace where no one can see you. You could tan naked. I do. But lately, you´ve developed a new sense of right and wrong. Tanning naked on a private roof terrace is wrong, apparently. Last weekend, I was on the roof, tanning, enjoying the day off from work, listening to the radio as you marched over to me with energetic strides, throwing the duvet cover from the bed over me.
“People could see”, you said.
“Do you want me to be ashamed of my body? I guess – apart from the fact that NO ONE can see me here – I don´t have to hide, do I?”
You stutter something. I can see that my body is not really an issue. You still like it. Not even a year ago, you would have seduced me right then and there. Now you just throw a duvet cover over me, covering me up, suddenly embarrassed by what used to make you hot.
I follow you in the bathroom. You´re already in the shower. Through the milky glass of the door to the shower, I can see you, holding your face up to the water jet. I follow my instincts and slip into the shower with you. Shocked, you turn around and stare at me.
“What the fuck are you doing?”
I let my fingers run down your chest. “I´m taking a shower. What´s it look like?”
“But I´m in the shower!”
“So what?” I ask and reach for the shampoo, squeeze a bit of it in my hand and start shampooing his body. But he stops me in track, holding my hands.
“Kaya, I´m taking a shower. Why the fuck are you fondling me like that?”
I look at him in astonishment. “What do you think?”
“It´s like you´re trying to have sex with me in the shower.”
“So what? We used to do that a lot.”
“But no more. We can´t have sex in the shower.”
“We can´t have sex in the shower? Who says that?” I am getting angry, I can feel it under my skin. An unnerving tickling that starts to build up whenever he acts like that. His new moral. No sex in the shower. No sex on the roof. No sex in the kitchen. Basically, no sex at all if not in the bed – with the curtains drawn and the lights off.
We just stare at each other and I notice that your glance is now softer than before, almost romantic. As the water patters down on us, you pull me closer to your body and I rest my head on your chest. For a second there, it´s just the two of us.
But the moment is quickly gone. You push me out of the shower and close the door again, going on with your shower routine. And I just stand there, dripping wet and with the feeling inside of me, that love is gone. You used to not be shocked if I wanted to share intimate moments with you. You used to embrace these moments like I did. We used to try to prolong it as long as possible. We had cuddle weekends, weekends we stayed in bed. We used to find moments in our busy schedules to just be together. And now you just push me out of the shower.
As you turn the water off, I notice that I´m still standing there. So I just grab a towel from the hook next to me and wrap it around me, leaving the room in a hurry. I don´t want you to see me standing there, mourning about the lost love. I just need a moment to compose, to find my balance again. I sit on the bed, shivering. Even though I´m wrapped in a big towel, the cold makes the hair on my arms stand up. Water is dripping from my hair onto my back.
I hear you walk into the room. You open a drawer and put on new shorts. Then there´s silence. I close my eyes and hope you´re gone, because now, tears are swelling up behind my closed eyes. I don´t want you to see me cry.
But instead of walking away, you come over to me. Through the tears, I can see you now. You kneel in front of me and wrap your arms around me.
“Shhh”, you say, but that only makes it worse.
Overwhelmed by my feelings, I lean forward and bump into your chest. My towel slides over my naked body and falls to the floor. You lose your balance and we both fall to the floor. You fall flat on your back and I land on your chest, but that doesn´t seem to bother neither you nor me. You just hold me till my tears stop. You caress my skin, softly stroke my back, and hold me tight.
As calmness and peace set it, I lift my head and look at you. With your thumb you wipe away the last tear and then lean in for a kiss. It´s a soft touching of lips, so sweet that I almost start crying again. I have been longing for your touch for so long. Comfort suddenly turns into desire, as you put more pressure into the kiss. A never before felt heat rushes through my body and replaces the cold I felt not two minutes ago.
With an overwhelmed groan, you roll over me and pin me to the floor, kissing me more frantically and fiercely. As you let go of my mouth, you suddenly become aware of my naked body underneath yours and as you look at me again there´s an ardent longing in your eyes.
No words needed as we give in to desire. The reunion is softer and sweeter, yet at the same time passionate and lustful. We hold on to each other like an alcoholic holds on to his booze, nourish on each other´s love, united in a desire difficult to explain.
I am caught up in the intimate moment. I can smell your fresh odor, taste the sweetness of your skin, and hear your breathing as you make love to me. I feel your hands on my body, stroking my skin and holding my face while you kiss me. I can feel the tension in your body as I hug you and pull you closer to me, as I wrap my legs around your hips.
We always went well together in bed, and this moment we cherish as long as we can. After the passion is satisfied, we remain where we are, holding on to each other and not letting go. With your weight on me, our hearts have the same beat. We are one. Again.
(Dedicated to L.)