We Don´t

We like a schedule.

We like things to be the same, every day.

We like routine and we like repeating sequences of daily events.

We get up at seven, because that´s the time we always get up.

We shower for about ten minutes.

 That´s how long we always shower.

It is ample time to clean our body and wash our hair.

We don´t like water much and we don´t like to get wet either.

We would love to discuss this with our therapist, but he is still questioning us about our early childhood, because he firmly believes that everything that´s wrong with us finds its origin in the things that happened when we were a child.

Needless to say that we don´t remember much from our early childhood, so we usually discuss the things we do remember.

But after thirty four fifty-minute-hour sessions we got quite bored of it.

We already know what he wants to hear and by now we ace in answering according to his assumptions about our troubles.

Our mother never loved us, because she barely every held us.

Our father secretly envied us for our youth and his jealousy made loving us impossible.

Our sister never understood us and since she was older and already at school, she talked about us in school and everyone already thought we were a weirdo even before we enrolled.

Which results in our being an outsider in school, naturally.

Truth is, our mother loves us dearly and she hugs us every single day.

She understands that we are a bit different from other children, but she accepts us.

Our dad didn´t have the chance to show his acceptance for our otherness, because he died when we were still young.

Still, it was he who told us to never think that anything was wrong with us.

He included us in every family activity and even though we were never good at any sports our family played (tennis, in particular), he said there was nothing wrong with being bad at something, because it meant that we were got at something else.

Incidentally, we are good at imagining things, which caters to our rep as a weirdo.

Imagining things is easy and it eases our mind, because our mind is troubled all the time.

Just because there is more to us than to other children, it doesn´t mean we are retarded.

We are actually smarter than most in the class.

People, students especially, want us to be stupid, because it fits their impressions and prejudices about us, but the fact that we aren´t and ace all our classes frightens them.

If weird people are smart, they might take over and people fear that the combination of otherness and intelligence will inevitably lead to really very bad things.

The way our mind works is similar to the way their minds work, but we think much more often than they do and we think about different things and the way we think and the things we think about makes us so special.

Dad, in contrary to what our therapist assumes, always appreciated the way we think.

Appreciates.

Well, disregarding the tense, we firmly believe that wherever he is, he still appreciates the way our mind works.

He was an architect and he always asked us to look at his drawings and tell him what we think about them, because we see things others don´t and he valued our suggestions.

Sadly, we were never much of a painter ourselves and we had to describe to him what we thought would work better, which only helped us improve our faculty of speech, but not our incapability in regard to painting.

Our dad thought it was right either way and appreciated the input anyhow.

Strangely enough, our therapist never questions the impact that our father´s death had on our life, which would indeed be a reasonable approach.

He has it all twisted.

The acceptance we had and have from our family, even our sister, made us see the intolerance that most other people confront us with.

It´s not we that are the rude ones, it´s them.

But obviously, they do not wish to have it put that way.

Our therapist thinks that we aren´t out there enough, aren´t participating, but we believe that he works too by the book.

He has already categorized our illness, if we should even call it that, and he works his way through the advised stages of therapy.

Resolve issues from early childhood.

In process.

Discuss adolescence problems.

Pending.

Discuss social issues.

Hinted at.

Discuss future options.

Pending.

He isn´t trying to improve our social standing or help ease our mental pain, he seems only to be working with us because he has to and because he cannot let us go and sing his name on our saneness report if he hasn´t at least superficially discussed every topic mentioned above.

Our social awkwardness seems to fascinate him.

He thinks that our otherness contributes to us not being accepted socially.

He clearly disregards the fact that it is not us being hostile and intolerant, but the others.

Especially the others in class often offend our nature and harm us.

It is inexplicable to us how our being who we are results in our head being pushed into the toilet bowl.

But our therapist seems to have discovered the logic behind it and advises us to try social participation in order to reduce social tension between us and other students, the teachers and other people.

We think that he read that in a book as well.

But we tried to follow his advice and participated.

Our sister took us to parties with her.

She likes us, even though she doesn´t understand us most of the time.

But she doesn´t think us weird and she always takes our side should anyone dare to point his finger at us.

But even being introduced to our sister´s friends didn´t help to change our social status much.

Her friends find it difficult to talk to us, because we cannot stay focused for long, especially when we detect a noticeable difference in intelligence level or when the topic proposed is something we can´t relate to.

Small talk most people practice during parties doesn´t meet our conversational needs.

But our conversational needs seem to be too heavy for our conversation partners.

We try to adept ourselves to their conversational practices, but we try too hard and they notice and the awkward silence following does nothing to improve our social standing.

Our inability to fit in would certainly interest our therapist, but we haven´t yet resolved the childhood issues, so it will be a long time before we get to discuss the things we want to discuss.

Like our dislike of water.

What might be the reason for the fact that we cannot stand it when water splashes down on us, we wonder.

It certainly has nothing to do with our childhood, because as far as we can remember there have been no water-related incidents that could result in our dislike of water.

Surely, we cannot remember the early years, but we are pretty certain that nothing of that sort happened back then either.

Still, going to the therapist isn´t helping the great deal our mum told us it would.

She persuaded us to go, because even though she loves us, she cannot always relate to our problems and she blames her through-and-through mediocrity, which are her words and not ours.

To us, our mother is the most vibrant, sparkling being we have ever met.

They way she carries on and never backs down fascinates us.

Naturally, we love to talk to her, but we have occasionally sensed that what troubles us is too abstract for her.

In a way, we understand.

The way we see the world is much different from the way others see it.

We see everything through words.

We narrate our whole life and we cannot remember when we started to do so, but we have been doing it for a long time now.

So long, indeed, it seems most natural to us.

We like a schedule, because we like to know what the day brings.

Spontaneity isn´t our forte and we know that very well, so we rely on our schedule to bring us through the day.

Our mum and our sister have incorporated our schedule into their daily routine.

They know that certain things upset us.

However, the things that upset us seem like trivialities to most others.

They appear insignificant to our therapist as well.

He doesn´t understand that an empty box of cornflakes scares us.

Yet at the same time, he doesn´t bother to find out why it frightens us so much.

All in all, his attempts to do therapy with us are feeble and leave less impression on our life than anything else.

We consider it nonsense to waste fifty-minute hours on him, but he considers it vitally important.

Our life has changed much since we started doing therapy with him, and we´ve suggested to do the talking and he would do the listening like a good therapist would, but he thinks this approach is an out of fashion way of handling therapy.

We don´t understand it, because we believe that it cannot become obsolete to have someone listening to you, especially when you are paying him good money to do so.

But our therapist then usually talks about our social awkwardness and guesses as to which incident in our early childhood might have let to this very event.

Sadly, we do think that at some point our ways have to part.

But it makes our mum happy that we go, so we go and we hope that we will be rewarded for the time wasted.

We actually think that nothing´s the matter with us.

We are fine.

We are living a good life.

We have a great family that makes an effort to understand us.

It doesn´t always work out, but we aren´t ungrateful.

We know that we can be difficult.

We know that we have flaws, flaws that can be overlooked by close family members that have lived with these flaws for years now.

But we also know that these flaws make it difficult for us to fit in.

Strangely enough, though it has caused a lot of problems in our daily social life, we don´t think that not fitting in is a problem at all.

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