my mum is so going to freak out if I tell her. I mean I have to tell her but she´s so going to freak out and I hate it so much when she yells at me and walks up and down and the fucking heels of her shoes scratch on the linoleum floor.
I really don´t get why she has to wear these stupid shoes and her that silly dressing gown at home but I guess it´s because she has male visitors. customers I call them. she calls them her friends.
I know for a damn fact that my mum has never had a real job in her life. she is a fucking prostitute. literally. I mean we have paper-thin walls who does she think she´s kidding with the bullshit she says?
my sister and I were brought up on fast food and TV shows while my mum was working hard in the other room. she has no idea what´s going on in our lives but she´s too damn busy to care. whenever I try to tell her something she turns the damn TV on and tells me to watch my sister who usually sits on the couch with drool running down her chin while she´s watching her stupid shows. I wish my mum would let me read a book to her but she´s already too addicted to the fucking Teletubbies and what have you.
the only thing my mum actually listens to is when I come home with report cards or when I ask her for money. she hates giving me money. she hates giving anything to me at all and she often calls me a spoiled brat and I don´t even have my own room. I sleep on the fucking couch in the living room with my sister in her baby crib next to the TV. it´s me who gets up at night when she wakes and cries because my mum´s a heavy sleeper and she usually makes sure she sleeps like a rock. she says she´s always been a heavy sleeper, but the empty pill bottles tell a different story.
no wonder I´m so fucked up.
I almost dropped out of school last year. my teachers keep telling me that I´m too smart to throw my life away but what the hell do they know. there´s no one at home who would actually support my graduation ambitions. my mum keeps telling me to get a job and chip in and help her out with the rent and food and electricity bills but I´m a minor and they won´t let me work that many hours to earn enough money to actually be able to chip in. it wouldn´t even be enough to pay for my sister´s diapers.
I work at this stupid travel agency which isn´t like the best place on earth but at least there´s tea and cookies and the work I have to do isn´t really asking much of me. I´m filing customer reports. whenever one of the travel agents has a customer they fill out the report saying what the customer wanted where he´s going on his next holiday and what kind of trip the agent recommended to him. I file the reports and mark the travel locations and the kind of holiday so that my boss always knows where people like to go to and what they like to do there.
I usually work after closing hours because that´s when all the travel agents hand in their reports which works great with my hours at school. my mum thinks it weird I´m working there. I honestly don´t know why she´s complaining at all because she was the one to tell me to get a job in the first place and now she´s pissed. it´s probably because twice a week I can´t watch my sister and she can´t have customers, I mean she can´t have her friends over.
but I actually like to be out of the house every once in a while because with my mum in the other room and my sister watching TV and the loud noises from the apartment next to ours and the noises from the street I can´t think. I often jot down thoughts in my little notebook but I´ve learned the hard way not to let my mum know. she thinks reading and writing is for others. she likes to think of herself as a respectable member of the working class, but in reality she is a prostitute who wasn´t careful enough twice and who lives in a two-bedroom apartment in a social housing area.
what the teachers don´t get is that there is no way for me to go. my mum wouldn´t want me to go to high school and I would do as she says because she would kick me out of the poor excuse of an apartment and I wouldn´t want to leave my sister alone with her. who knows what her male friends would do to her once she grew up. so I did my mum´s bidding and found me a job.
the job interview at the travel agency wasn´t really very great. my boss asked me a lot of questions about school and extra-curricular activities and all I could tell him was that I babysit in the afternoons and don´t really have the time for any clubs or activities. so he asked me about my hobbies and I told him I like to write. he asked me about my family and I told him that I lived with my mum. he asked me about my mum. I told her she didn´t matter. he looked at me for a while and then told me to start the following day.
he usually works late and I usually check in with him before I leave and we go through the reports and he jots down some key points about my research and everything and that´s about it. he asks me about home and I tell him that life is a stinking heap of shit. he laughs. I ask him about his home and he tells me he lives with his fiancée and she´s not a stinking heap of shit. I laugh.
so I tell him I´m pregnant and that my mum´s going to freak out when she finds out and he asks me how old I am. I tell him I´m sixteen and he says I´m too young to have a child. I tell him that I already have a child and he understands I talk about my sister. so he asks what I plan on doing and I look at him funny and he says that I should think about what to do once the baby´s born. I tell him that the baby should better not be born but he says that abortion is dangerous and there are less evasive ways to not have to raise the child. I honestly don´t know what he´s talking about.
he tells me about adoption and stuff and I listen and I realize that I haven´t even thought about anything like that at all. the fact that I found out I´m pregnant was so thought-absorbing, I didn´t even find the energy to do my homework at all. he tells me that there are always options to consider and I shouldn´t kill my baby because it´s not the baby´s fault. so I ask him if he thinks it´s my fault. and he says it´s probably my upbringing and the way I was raised that is to blame rather than me. so I ask him if he thinks that it´s my fault and he says yes.
I see my mum´s face in front of my eyes and she´s mad like hell and I don´t want her face in my mind, so I try to push her face out of my mind and my boss looks at me funny as I open my eyes again and he says that he would take good care of my baby.
I get up and tell him that I don´t think he´s being very nice and that I would rather go than stay and have him make fun of me.
at home, my mum´s busy in her room and my sister´s watching TV. she squeals as I walk in and I know she´s hungry so I make her something to eat and have her eat it in front of the TV. I try to switch to something rather educative but she starts to cry so I turn back to her stupid show. I don´t want my baby to be like her even though I love her very much. but she´s already brain-washed and my mum would probably want to keep her that way. the TV keeps her quiet and that´s all my mum every wants.
so back at work two days later I get called into my boss´s office and he introduces me to his fiancée and she asks me to sit down and then she tells me about how she can´t get pregnant and how much she really wants a child. I can see that she is the motherly type, because she´s dressed all nice and her hair is done perfectly and she wears nice earrings and she looks like a mum from a cereals ad.
they tell me that I could have a room in their house and it would be like living in a shared apartment but that I would have my own room to sleep in and that I could live there during the pregnancy and that they would take great care of me if I would give the baby to them once it´s born. They say that adoption takes too long and she would pretend to be pregnant and wear a fake belly under her shirt all the time and that she would pretend that my baby was hers.
I tell them that I can´t leave my sister and they look at me funny and ask me if my mum would object if I would take my sister with me and I tell them that my mum is either drunk, stoned or is getting fucked by one of her stupid male friends and that she wouldn´t care if we left.
my boss´s fiancée is shocked and she tells her soon-to-be husband that there is no way they could be able to go to bed with a clear conscience now that they knew about my and my sister´s situation at home. and she says that they should go to the youth welfare service and report my mum but he says that they would send us to a children´s home. I don´t want to go to a children´s home I tell them and they nod and seem to understand.
so my boss tells me that he would like to escort me home and I think he means something sexual but he only means that he´s going to take me home and he wants to talk to my mum about the chance of me and my sister moving in with him. I tell him that there is no need to ask her because she wouldn´t mind but he says that he just can´t take us in and not ask my mum and I wonder why he wants to be all charitable and I ask him and he says that he hired me because I looked lost and because I am able to give something to the love of his life that he can´t and he would be forever grateful.
so he takes me home and I´m ashamed of our apartment and the stink and the chaos and my sister crying because my mum was too busy earning her livelihood to give her something to eat. my mum´s in the other room and we all know she´s busy because she moans and the noises are quite distinctive and we all know what sex sounds like. my sister doesn´t know but she shouldn´t have to know because she´s only three.
my boss waits and we hear the footsteps in the hallway as the guy leaves and my mum stumbles into the room and she´s pulling her dressing gown on and there is white smear on her stomach and her hair is all crazy and her eyes are all dark and I know she´s been taking pills again.
my boss gets up and introduces himself and my mum tells him to get the fuck out of her house and I think she´s being hilarious because this isn´t her house and these two shabby rooms aren´t really a home at all and I wonder if she knows. he really stays very calm and tells him that he´s going to take me and my sister with him and that we can live with him and she tells him to fuck off and he tells her he will call the youth welfare and they would take us away anyway and she tells him to give her a hundred bucks and he does and then she nods in my direction and tells us all to fuck off.
and he takes my sister and she cries because her favorite show is on and she wants to watch it and then he asks me if there´s anything I´d like to take with me and I grab my backpack and a few things from the dresser and he says that we should go and he pushes me out the door and as we run across the parking lot to his car my mum starts yelling after us and she calls me names and she calls him names and she says we will come back to her eventually but that she doesn´t want us to.
and I start crying and he gives me a tissue and then he asks me to hold my sister and he starts the engine and backs out of the parking lot and I can see my mum still yelling at us from her window. she looks really mad and I´m glad I don´t have to be with her right now. my sister cries too but I´m glad she´s with me and not with my mum because she would be dead within a week because my mum doesn´t do the dishes or cook dinner and she never once changed my sister´s diapers or bought groceries.
and I cry a bit more and he lets me but as we arrive at his house I stop crying because his fiancée is waiting for us at the door and the looks like a cereals mum again and I´m glad they think I´m lost and that they take me in and I tell them that I could never repay the favor and she smiles at me and he takes my sister into his arms and she hugs me and says I already have.