The Interview

“Ready?”

“Yes.”

“Alright… Rolling. — Tell me about your life.”

„—I complain about my life a lot. It´s just that… there isn´t really anything to complain about, you know? — My life is good.”

“What makes it good?”

“The job that I love. The people in my life. — I´d say, it´s more the people than the job.”

“Someone in particular?”

“Isn´t there always someone in particular? — It´s.. ehm… people that make your life the way it is, right? The people you meet may change your life. There are some people you meet you enjoy meeting. And there are others… —“

“Others?”

“There are always some people in your life… People you shouldn´t have met. People who turned your life upside down… in a bad way; people who push your life in a different direction.”

“Was there one in your life?”

“Hmmm… —“

“Is that a yes?”
 

“Of course it is a yes.”

“Tell me about him.”

“I don´t… — I don´t talk about him much.”

“Why not?”

“He broke my heart. — You know, sometimes, when you meet someone, you can tell at first sight that he´s going to be trouble. A lot of trouble. I knew that he was trouble the moment I first saw him. —“

“Where did you meet him?”

“You are asking the wrong questions.”

“I… what?”

“It won´t help you understand to know how we met.”

“Why not?”

“Because even though there can be a lot going on at the first encounter, what´s important is what happens afterwards.”

“What happened afterwards?”

“It´s how they are when they´re together. How they get along. What they do and what they don´t do… and…”

“They?”

“We. “

“You and him?”

“— Me and him.”

“How were you when you were together?”

“Ehm… We… never really were.”

“Together?”

“Yes.”

“—Why?”

“It didn´t work out.”

“But he still broke your heart?”

“It´s difficult.”

“Tell me about it.”

“It´s a long story.”

“Which is what people say when it´s either a sad story or a short story which they don´t wish to share.”

“Are you being cocky?”

“I`m just trying to understand.”

“Right.”

“Listen, why don´t you tell me what you remember about him?”

“What I remember about him?“

“Yeah, just the first thing that comes to your mind.”

“His hands.”

“His hands?”

“He had the most beautiful hands.  — When he… when he touched me… his skin on mine and he… he used to draw circles on my skin… and his fingers were… are… it felt great to be touched by him.”

“Why?”

“There was a… softness in his touch that drove me to tears. The first time around, I didn´t really understand why I liked his touch so much. I just enjoyed it. I was naïve. I thought it would last, but we didn´t change and it… he called it off.”

“The first time around?”

“Hm?”

“You said the first time around.”

“We… we tried three times.”

“Why?”

“Because we were idiots.”

“I don´t understand.”

“It´s…”

“Don´t tell me it´s a long story.”

“It´s a sad story.”

“—Tell me.”

“It´s… — The first time around, we fucked. We met online and he invited me over and by the end of the night, we were in bed and fucked our brains out. It was magic.”

“What made it great?”

“Have you ever met up with a stranger and fucked your brains out?”

“Yeah… kind of.”

“Than what´s the question again? —  —We connected. I can´t really explain it, but it didn´t feel like strangers meeting for the first time outside the virtual realm. We knew each other. In and out.”

“Are you talking about love at first sight?”

“I wish I was, but… I´m not. We didn´t love each other.”

“So he called it off?”

“No, he called it off, because after a while I was wondering where we were going… and… — He said it wasn´t enough to build a relationship on. So we said goodbye the only way we knew and we went separate ways.”

“How?”

“We had sex. For what we thought would be the last time. — And while we were having sex, I held on to him, because…. because I didn´t want it to end. But… I didn´t admit that to myself. So I went on living my life and after a while I stopped thinking about him.”

“What happened next?”

“Life?”

“What do you mean?”

“Well, my life went on. I had classes to attend, papers to write, I had my family and friends. I built a life of my own. And he wasn´t part of it anymore. I mean, he never was, but… I believed him to be a part of my past and not of my future. — I went out again. Looking for someone.”

“But you and him… you never really dated.”

“No, we didn´t. But still, I hoped… ehm… while I was having that thing with him, I wasn´t looking for anybody else. — But then I decided that it was time to go on.”

“So you found someone?”

“Yeah, I did. A decent guy. A really nice guy. He took me out on dates, he introduced me to his friends and he integrated me into his life. It was the relationship that I wanted. — We… we went to this party on campus and… there is this big hall with a lot of stone columns… and we made out behind one of those. He was a great kisser. He could make you forget everything with just one kiss… And at some point he went over to the bar to buy us drinks and that´s when I saw him.”

Him him?”

“Yes.”

“What happened?”

“Eh… He looked at me funny. And then he said hello and we talked and my boyfriend joined us and I introduced him.”

“To your boyfriend?”

“I think I made him believe that we were just old friends.”

“He believed you?”

“He did, yeah. Like I said, he was a nice guy.”

“So what happened next?”

“He texted me a couple of days later, saying that he wanted to meet… So I went over to his place, which was basically down the block and… we ehm…— he was having a barbecue with friends. And I joined them and we… It was summer and I was wearing a dress, but as it got dark, it got colder and he said I could put on some of his clothes… so we went inside and he gave me a pair of sweat pants and a shirt. I still remember that shirt. And I remember that he looked away as I got undressed… I thought it was kind of cute. — And we had a drink and we talked. So I asked him why he wanted to meet up. Oh, by that time we were sitting on his bed… And he touched me and all those weird feelings came up again… I mean, months had passed, but still, with only one touch, he… and I was… and we kissed. — — I can´t really describe it. Maybe it was this cliché butterfly feeling… But…  actually, it was more than that. — When we kissed, I fell in love with him. And when I realized that I loved him… I… I ran out of the room. I… I got out of there as fast as I could.”

“Why?”

“The exact reason why? I can´t tell you. I just had to get out of there. I´m pretty rational about most things in life and when I realized that I was in love with him, I knew that I had to sort others things out first.”

“With your boyfriend.”

“Yeah. I broke up with him. Broke that poor guy´s heart… And then I texted him. And we kind of got together. But not really together together. We never went out, we just stayed in and had sex and re-connected and we… ehm… experimented, sexually. Nothing gross or perverted, but we… expanded our repertoire. And it was better than ever. I think that sexually, we always went well together. But that´s just one small fraction of it all. So after a while, we got bored. And neither of us figured out how to spice things up. I mean, sexually, we still… we were in sync, but generally, we both got bored of meeting up and having sex and watching a DVD, but never getting to the end of it, of staying over, of… of being so caught up with satisfying out sexual needs and desires and longing that we never went further than that.”

“Than what?”

“Than this sex thing. We never made it official or anything. And then I… talked myself into thinking that I was mistaken about being in love with him. And… you know, I´m quite silver-tongued… And I believed my own lie. And we called it off… more like, it slowly died down. We never really talked about taking the next step or changing anything and then… we didn´t meet as often and we… it just ended.”

“And what happened next?”

“For a long time, nothing happened. I mean, there were no hard feelings or anything, we just carried on. And after a while, I guess about a year later, he contacted me again. By that time, I had spent some time abroad, I was about to graduate and get my Master´s degree…  But as if we hadn´t learned our lesson, we dived right into it again.”

“So you had sex again?”

“Tons. And again, better than ever. And there was… we really had this connection this time around. Things were so easy between us. No awkward not knowing what to do. He knew how to push my buttons and I knew how to push his – and I don´t mean just sexually –  and with everything we had shared so far, it really felt like a relationship. But it was a very short fling.”

“Why?”

“In between the second and the third time, my wishes for the future, my priorities had changed and, more than ever, I was looking for a relationship rather than a sex thing. So when he texted me that one night, saying that he was horny… ehm… You know, he never really took the initiative. So he just said things like I´m horny or later I would like to hug you right now, but he never really said Let´s meet up and have sex or just chat. He only did that once. And that was when we said goodbye. But ehm — sorry… so he texted me saying that he was horny and I thoroughly thought about what to say and in the end I said that I think I deserve more than the occasional booty call and that I don´t want this to continue.”

“What did he say?”

“Well, how can you respond to that and not lose your dignity? You say that the other is right and that you will cease to call whenever you feel like having sex.— And that´s what he did. — And I felt so powerful. Because for the first time, I didn´t allow myself to spiral downwards with him… again. You may call that rediscovered self-esteem, I call it protecting my heart. Because I was in love with him and I knew that another sex thing would break my heart. — I´m sorry. —“

“Take your time.”

“So in the end, it really wasn´t a powerful thing I did. I was something I had to do.”

“How did he break your heart, then?”

“It was when we said goodbye for good. — About a year later, I had graduated and he had graduated as well and he moved town and so he called to return an umbrella that he had borrowed. And he came to my place and we talked and it got late and… you know, my apartment isn´t really very big, it´s just one room and there aren´t a lot of seating accommodations other than at my desk or on my bed. So we sat on my bed  and he leaned back and I followed him and rested my head on his arm and then I turned around… with my back to him… and he took me in his arms and I just closed my eyes and savored the moment. And then he kissed my neck and there were goose bumps all over my body and then heat rushed through me and for about, I don´t know, minutes, I just let him touch me and kiss me and I didn´t really respond to it at all, but he continued all the same and… obviously, I don´t know how he felt about it, but for me… it was so sad. Because after three years, our lives would now definitely go separate ways and… so we said goodbye the only way we know how to say goodbye. As if we still hadn´t learned the lesson. And while it was sad, it was really very great. — A week later, he left.”

“For good?”

“No without saying his final goodbye.”

“You met again?”

“No… late Thursday night, we texted. He was in town his last night and he got a bit sentimental. It was the most honest conversation we ever had about the way we feel and how much we´ve learned to appreciate the other and the impact the other had on our lives. And then he said that he had really grown to love me over those past three years… and hell, I spent the rest of the night crying my heart out. — And the irony of it all. I mean… for three years, we practically lived door to door and we tried so often and we had this amazing sex and, somehow, we really loved each other, but it never worked out. How can that even be? I mean, most of the time, we were so caught up in enjoying sex and we never really tried hard enough… — So maybe it is our fault after all.”

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4 thoughts on “The Interview

  1. I felt genuinely sad reading that, there were parts that sounded so much like myself describing past relationships 🙂

    1. I´m sorry. I just felt like writing it. I think that everyone can relate to bits and pieces of it. Actually, I had this post ready for about a month now. I just couldn´t get myself to publish it. Like you, I felt genuinely sad reading it.

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