Existence

Time doesn´t pass by as it does on Earth. It´s more like a constant unawareness of the passing of time. You know it passes, you can feel it pass, but you can never be sure of how much time has actually passed. From one moment to another could be just a second, a minute or even a month. You couldn´t tell.

I needed to be able to tell how much time had passed. I needed it for my own sanity. I needed it, because I had promised to wait. I had promised to wait ten years and then find a nice guy with wings and go on with my life. Because Matt believed that live would go on for me. I never did.

It had always been an unimaginable concept for me to think that life would go one once you leave. How could it go on? Isn´t life directly connected to your body, to Earth?How could there be life when you neither had a body to live in nor Earth to stand on? But Matt had always told me to free myself of my narrow ways of thinking, to let the transcendence of body and mind be a possibility rather than an concept of imagination invented to console the soon-to-be-dead and their families.

Now it seems to me that he was right. There is existence, there definitely is. But it is very un-Earth-like, not comparable to any form of existence I have ever felt in the varying states of consciousness I have experienced in my life. It is more a being than an existing, rather a form of being there other than being gone. There is no body; you can not feel it nor does it require you to feel it. There is no hunger, no thirst, no tiredness. There is just the endlessness of the projection of your mind that keeps you going for all as long as your energy lasts. Without time, that might either be a very short or a very long time.

When you leave, the part of yourself that people call soul is the only form that will not cease to exist. The rest is gone, it simply decays, at some point it is just no more but a mere shell that used to contain you as if the soul had been pressed into it upon birth, turning the body into a useful container with a precious cargo. Now, as it rests empty in your grave, there is no more you in your body. You have left it and your soul goes on.9 (2)

Matt used to tease me, saying that I was the most nonreligious and nonspiritual person he had ever met. But I did believe in the traveling of souls. For years, I had felt the presence of the deceased, had been surrounded by souls that had left their bodies and had felt them move on beyond religion and spirituality. Beyond everything. Never had it been my concern that one day I would have to travel to that beyond place. God would probably help Matt with everything as Matt was a religious and spiritual person, but I could not hope for such guidance. And as a proof of that, I had not met a single soul since I had left my body. I had hoped to meet people, to see the deceased, to reunite with the family members that had passed, but as if to punish me for my reluctance to believe in paradise, I was alone from the moment I had gone. All alone.

Matt had wanted to me to promise not to wait for him. He had been the lucky one in our relationship. The healthy one. He reasoned that it might take years for him to be allowed to join me. Matt believed that God decided when your time was up. I would have loved to ask God why He thought it had been time for me to leave, but even now, in the shallow existence I had been in since my departure, I couldn´t force myself to believe in the existence of Him. And the punishment for my blasphemous thinking was solitude. Even if I wanted to, I wouldn´t be able to ask anyone anything.

So I had told Matt that not to wait for him would be disrespectful to our love. I wanted to wait. Period. He told me to wait a year. I told him I would wait until his death and we could see if we still loved each other then or if our being body-less would make love impalpable as well. He told me to factor in the unimaginably difficult task to find each other in heaven and told me to get a new husband, one that he would steal me away from once he found me. In the end, we had agreed on ten years.

Thus the importance of knowing how much time had passed.

In my being there rather than being gone, I still felt a range of emotions, but they came to me from a distance and no longer from inside of me. It was like being under water, where you only hear muffled sounds and nothing makes sense but the rushing of blood in your ears. That´s how emotions felt like these days. Since there no longer was a container for the emotions to echo in, they roamed free all around my soul and could neither be caught nor forced to linger on any longer than a second. If it even was a second. As time was no longer a real concept, you couldn´t be sure of how long the emotions actually stayed.

I felt them come to me as if they had been on a long journey from there to here. And there was no more instant impact, when they reached me. Emotions in the being there could not be compared to a storm. If anything rain-like at all, they were a soft drizzle that was so light you almost didn´t feel it.

What I wanted to feel was the love I had felt before, when I still had my body and walked on Earth. I needed to feel it, because I firmly believed it would be the only thing strong enough to hold me in one place. But how much of an anchor could a love be that was nothing more than a faded copy of the real love I had once felt? The one that goes through your whole body and warms every inch of it? The kind that makes you jump through fire and swim through oceans? That makes you pray, even if you do not believe in religion? How could its washed-out replica compare?

And so I floated around, never staying for long in any place, even though the realm I existed in had no places at all. I was just white and warm, but I could neither be sure of its color not of its temperature, for I no longer had eyes to see or a body to feel.

It took me a long while to find myself in the shapeless soul I now was. It took me even longer to discover the nature of my existence, to find the core of my inner self that held me together, that allowed me to think and feel, even if my thoughts could not be controlled and my feelings were no longer what they had once been. I existed – and I thought it should be enough for Matt to find me.

I contemplated my new state of being for as long as I could make my thoughts focus on the topic. I tried to touch my nose, tried to feel my own skin, tried to make myself walk or jump or even sit down. But the soul does not follow the same rules as a body and that new state I was in confused me greatly. Was my soul the real thing – or had it been my body? Was I still myself?

I though I might just go on forever. I would break my promise to Matt and I would simply wait for as long as it took him to enter the same state of existence. It helped that I sometimes imagined to hear his voice, although when I thought about it I was no longer sure how his voice sounded like and if I had really heard it or if it had only been a memory echo.

I wished for him to join me, even though I knew that the nature of my wish was somehow repulsive. I wasn´t sure how long the being there would last. I just knew I would try to make it go on for as long as I could.

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