Today, I realized three things about myself. It´s not like anything out of the ordinary happened today. To be honest, today was a rather dull Monday. I got up, I did my morning routine, I went to work, I came back home, I did stuff for school. I ate noodles. So really just a normal Monday.
But I realized
1. I´m not good with compliments, neither receiving them or giving them to others.
When I compliment someone, I somehow end up complimenting myself. I say things like “I like the way you do that, because it´s the same way I would have done it.”. And when someone gives me a compliment, I trivialise it by saying something like “oh, thank you, yes, I like this coat. It was on sale.”. I can´t just smile and accept the compliment. I don´t know how to.
2. I cannot ask personal questions.
When my colleagues tell me about something they did the other day or about anything that happened in their personal life, I never ask follow-up questions. I don´t want to rude by asking something they might not want to answer and by not asking I end up being rude all the same, because I´m the girl that doesn´t care about other people´s lives. I´ve never really found that balance between keeping a conversation going by asking questions and not ending the conversation by asking the wrong questions.
3. I´m neither happy nor a happy person.
I mean I´m content. Sometimes I´m even pleased. There are so many great things in my life. I have two college degrees and a state exam. I have a job that – if I don´t mess it up – I cannot be fired from. I can pay back my student loan. I have the cutest godchild and I´m closer to my sister than I´ve ever been. I just ordered a new wardrobe and it will be here next week. I have a lovely apartment. I have flowers and they haven´t died after two weeks the way they usually do (there is an app for watering your plants…). I have a car. I don´t have to eat rice for the rest of the month if I decide to buy a new book. Or two.
But I´m not very happy. I work, I get home from work, I work some more, I sleep, I work, I get home from work, I work some more. I usually don´t do much else. Most of the time, I don´t have the energy to rethink my life, but when I do, I always come to the conclusion that I´m not happy.
I can joke around with my colleagues, but when I get back home, I go all quiet. Yesterday, I watched a movie and got startled by the sound of my own laugh. Because I don´t usually laugh. When I´m amongst people, the sound of my own laugh always sounds off. I can´t expain this, but it sounds as if my laugh is always out of tune, like I laughed at the wrong thing or at the wrong time, even though I laugh with the rest of them.
And even though I´m two years ahead in that plan I figured out when I was still in school, I´m not happy. Sometimes, when I read a book and I´m snuggled up on the couch and there´s a cup of tea on the little table next to the sofa, I feel happy. And then when I realize I´m happy I think about why I´m happy and end up realizing I´m not happy in general, but I´m just happy in that moment and I have no idea how to hold on to that feeling and then I lose it and I´m not happy anymore.
They say everyone´s lost at 25, but I see 30 in the distance and I´m still lost.