It´s quite sad to meet someone you like and then to find out that he is taken. It actually hurts. As someone who doesn´t always feel social, I need to put a lot of energy into meeting someone, opening up and to let him see that loving soul that lies beneath all the frowns and rules and loneliness.
Most of the time, I´m happy to just be on my own, sitting in my apartment, writing, thinking, reading, working. It takes so much energy and will to actually make myself presentable, to put on nice clothes and to go out there – because most of the time I wish I hadn´t gone out at all, I wish I had stayed home with a good book or a great movie and I think to myself that this is the exact reason why I don´t go out that much. Being out there is disappointing. Being out there hurts. Being out there means putting yourself in the limelight and to show your best self, when all you want to do is put on sweatpants and dance to classic rock songs in your living room.
And when I do, when I actually go out there and present myself to the male society, hoping that one of them will realize I´m a good girl and would make a potentially good girlfriend (though it would take a while, because my girlfriend mode hasn´t been activated in too long), most of the guys I actually meet are either assholes or taken. Maybe I´m one those rare girls that is still looking for the good guy – and I have looked all over, I´m certain he´s not in the picture – I don´t want the perfect athlete, the genius, the hard-working businessman who makes a lot of money, the one with the smooth manners and excellent taste, the romantic guy who will shower me with rose pedals and bring me little gifts every day. I just want the guy who would be perfect for me.
I have met three men that fit this category. One was my boyfriend for about 5 years and I loved him a lot, but his jealousy made being with him impossible. The second guy was not interested in a relationship and even though he was as perfect as could be (meaning: perfect for me, because he sure had his flaws), it didn´t work out in the end.
And I met the third guy at a wedding I attended recently and we hit it off right away. For those 9 hours we were together we talked, we laughed, we (and I don´t care how weird this sounds) fell for each other – everyone thought we were a couple. With him, being myself was nothing I had to think about at all. I didn´t think about what he would think if I said this or did that. I didn´t have to put a lot of energy into it, I didn´t have to strain myself to be the person he might favor over other types, I didn´t even think about an excuse to leave so that I could go home and be by myself. It was all so easy. It was natural. It felt good.
But it left me with that increadibly sad feeling that I was attracted to someone who was attracted to me but who had a girlfriend. I feel cheated my fortune and chance and fate to have been allowed to meet someone like him and not to be able to have him for myself.
The good guys are taken.